RAW Results: 12/21/09

Johnny Damon Strikes Out. Formerly on the New York Yankees, this free agent knew less how the wrestling business worked than Dennis Miller. WWE announcer, Justin Roberts, announced two-time MLB World Series Champion Johnny Damon to a jeering Tampa audience. He tried to play it cool by stating his past accomplishments with the Yankees and Red Sox, but he came off as insolent. After issuing a foreseeable Santa's Little Helpers Divas' Match, Damon stayed away from the ring throughout the rest of the night. Instead, he appeared in a series of back stage scenes involving Santa Clauses advising wrestling matches, and one undesirable makeout session with Santa's oldest helper, Mae Young. If not for the holiday gimmicks, Johnny Damon's lack of charisma would have been apparent.

RAW Divas are cute, not athletes. The opening match was a Six-Diva Santa’s Little Helper Tag Team Match, involving: Divas' Champion Melina, Kelly Kelly, and Gail Kim against Maryse, Alicia Fox, and Jillian Hall. There is very little intergrity left when it comes to the women of the WWE, and chances are, they know it too. Melina, who in the past year, has improved immensly after her feuds with Mickie James and Beth Phoenix, stands alone as RAW's only competitor. Gail Kim, a former WWE Women's Champion, and headliner/champion of the TNA Knockout division, returned to the WWE last summer as a mid-carder. Gail Kim's status has not changed, as her role is still to carry the match and then lose at the last minute. WWE should utlize Gail Kim instead of having her job to the likes of Alicia and Maryse. Kelly Kelly, nicknamed Barbie, was actually a model who the WWE insisted should join pro-wrestling. This suggests that WWE is focused on looks rather than athleticism. Jerry Lawler, unknowingly, demeaned Kelly Kelly's offensive strike, "She did a drop kick!" Even the announcers are shocked when a diva actually shows some sign of athletic offense. Thanks to the assist from Melina, Kelly Kelly scored the pinfall on Maryse.

Evan Bourne, most underrated superstar of 2009. This Six-Man Tag Team Match featured Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry & Evan Bourne against Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase. This was one of those matches where the years of watching these superstars grow into formiable opponents really pays off; Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, and Evan Bourne were among these opponents. Yet, Evan Bourne is among the most underrated superstar - and not just in the WWE - but throughout his whole pro-wrestling career. Since arriving in WWE in late 2008, on the ECW brand, Bourne became an instant fan favorite, even winning a Slammy for Best Finishing Maneuver of 2008. However, that's about all Bourne has accomplished and the reason for this is his fast paced, high octane style of wrestling is short lived. When tagged in, Bourne was able to jump over the ropes, perform a hurricanrana on Rhodes, knock out Orton and DiBiase out of the corner with one kick, and set Rhodes up for the Shooting Star Press - all in under three minutes. What happens when that doesn't get the job done? This is why Bourne jobs to everyone because he is flashy, but cannot last in a full match. His matt wrestling skills is below par, and unless he faces off against another high flyer, Bourne will always be at a disadvantage. Luckily, Kofi Kingston was tagged in and picked up the win after executing Trouble in Paradise to the back of DiBiase's head.

Jack Swagger is the Future. The next match was John Cena vs. Jack Swagger. Unlike Sheamus who uses brute force to intimidate his opponents, Jack Swagger combines his 6'5" stature and his All-American wrestling background to takedown the competition. His opponent for the night was no stranger to Swagger seeing as these two fought in a Champions vs. Champions match during the 2009 Draft picks. John Cena, who has vowed to never lose a match until he reclaims the WWE Title, did not have it easy against the Perry Oklahoman. Jack Swagger dominated the match, not just in keeping John Cena down on his knees, because he is the better wrestler. Correction, Jack Swagger is a wrestler with charisma, while John Cena makes up for his lack of wrestling with more charisma than anyone else. Jack Swagger, in four months in the WWE, became the ECW Champion - all for what? To become a mid-carder on Monday Night RAW. Much like everyone else, it was thrilling to see Sheamus defeat John Cena for the WWE Championship, but honestly, it was too much too soon. Despite being the one to take the WWE Title, Sheamus and Cena really have no back story. Swagger, on the other hand, has the ability to rise up the ranks of the WWE and truly become the poster boy for the company. Swagger has the makings to become a phenomenal WWE Champion because he's the complete package: a larger-than-life persona and the technical skills to back it up. The match was great because Jack Swagger made it great, but again, the best man must fall in order to fuel the passion of John Cena.

Eve finds her man. Since coming over to RAW as a result of the Tri-Branded Divas Trade, WWE has been trying to administer Eve Torres in a valet role. At first, a short stint started between The Miz and Jack Swagger over the United States Title and Eve's affection; but after Miz won the title, the angle was dropped and Eve remained single. Then Chris Masters returned to the WWE, undergoing a babyface turn when he instilled the dancing pectorals as part of his gimmick. Along with the turn, Chris Masters practices chivalry, especially when it comes to protecting Eve from the likes of Chavo Guerrero and Carlito. The match between Carlito and Chris Masters was not about Carlito's past aggressions with Masters, but his disrespect towards Eve. Carlito was able to avoid the first Master Lock attempt, but the second one rendered him unconscious. After the match, Eve pulled out a mistletoe and gave Masters a kiss, starting a relationship. As romantic as this angle is, unless Masters trains Eve to be a better wrestler, she benefits nothing from this story line.

"What's underneath the ring, Shawn?" Many mysteries remain unsolved in the WWE, such as: "Where is Parts Unknown?" and "Why the Gobbledy Gooker?" But the most mysterious one of all is the space underneath the ring, what's really down there? Finally, it was revealed on Monday Night RAW when DX went to Little People's Court. In the past, Hornswoggle had hidden under the ring to escape opponents; The Bella Twins hid in order to alternate during singles matches; The Boogeyman lurked in the shadows to trap victims; and, followed by flames, The Undertaker chokeslammed Edge straight through the mat, implying hell resides below the squared circle. Shwan and Triple H traveled underneath the ring to find an underground passage, alike basements in any building, and went to a court hearing where they were found guilty for intentional infliction of emotional distress towards Hornswoggle. And now a new mystery has arisen, why cannot the little people in WWE speak?

John Cena overshadows WWE Champion? Unlike other superstars who demand championship matches, Montel Vontavious Porter preferred to earn his by taking on the Celtic Warrior in one-on-one competition. At any rate, Sheamus vs. MVP could have been a great follow up to Swagger and Cena, but the match turned into an exhibition of Sheamus' intense capacity in the ring. With an impressive array of finishers, The Celtic Warrior will make a fine head liner someday, considering that it hasn't occurred yet. Albeit, John Cena is no longer the champion, but his standing in the WWE far surpasses that of the company's main champion. Even looking at the Royal Rumble poster, John Cena is at the head of the line while Sheamus is #13 down the row.

The Miz that stole Christmas. 2009 has been an overall great year for The Miz from being part of one of the greatest tag teams and holding both WWE and World Tag Team Titles... Being drafted over to RAW... Entering a feud with John Cena... Losing a match causing him to be banned from RAW... Winning a contract back to RAW as the Calgary Kid... Revamping his attitude and wrestling gear, and now... The United States Champion. However, it's not enough for the Miz because he also wants to be the WWE Champion. The following match was The Miz vs. Santino Clause. Santino Marella, chosing to fight in his Santa garb, lost miserably to The Miz, who picked up the win with the Skull Crushing Finale.

One wish to rule them all... Johnny Damon promised that one wish would be granted and so far that hadn't happened, but could the Big Show get his wish? Calling out for the real Santa Clause, Big Show looked on as Santa Clause came, accompanied by the Bella Twins, to the ring willing to grant one wish. Big Show wished for Chris Jericho to come back to RAW, and Santa agreed. But before the fans could bring back their RAW is Jericho signs, Hornswoggle demasked Father Christmas to reveal Chris Jericho. If that were not enough, Hornswoggle rallied a miniature DX army of little people to take down Jericho. But before Jericho could fully clear the DX elves, the real DX disposed of Jeri-Show. Seeing as Jericho was Santa Clause, he has no power to reinstate himself as an agent of RAW, so Show's wish was nullified. As for Hornswoggle and DX's court issues, Triple H propositioned a deal: If Hornswoggle would drop the law suit, then he can be the faction's mascot. Hornswoggle agreed and initiated in his first official DX Crotch Chopping pyro routine.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!

Hornswoggle Ruins Match; D-Generation X and Legacy Evenly Matched?

For months, Chavo Guerrero has been humiliated time and time again by jobbing to Hornswoggle. It's always in these ridiculous stipulation matches that guarantee Swoggle the victory. Yet, last Monday, Chavo was finally given a serious match - against Evan Bourne.

This was the first time that my finger didn't reach for the fast forward key on my DVR, because his opponent was NOT Hornswoggle.

And lucky I didn't, because it was a great match up. Reminds me of the days of the Cruiser-weight wrestlers. Which, they tend to be high-flyers, and that's what this match was - an excellent showcase of high-flying wrestling.

Then... he showed up! The pint-sized leprechaun showed up with a water gun and sprayed Chavo as he was ready to execute the Frog Splash off the top turnbuckle.

Well... there was a splash alright, but it was from the tadpole - Hornswoggle.

With the distraction, Even Bourne went quickly for the standing roll up - and pinned Chavo for the win.

Which was wrong! Chavo Guerrero should've won the match via disqualification. Hornswoggle, did indeed, attack Chavo with a foreign object and deliberately interfered with the match.

When Chavo went to complain to Bob Barker, he ended up getting more than he bargained for. If anyone recalls Bob Barker's role in the 1996 Adam Sandler film "Happy Gilmore" - Barker knocked out Sandler and said "The Price is Wrong, B---h!" Well, supposedly, Barker was trained by the legendary Chuck Norris, and delivered a devastating punch to the midsection, followed by a karate chop to the back of the neck of Chavo Guerrero.

Well... Chavo... "The Price is Wrong, B---h!"

The Men of D-Generation X, played a game with Bob Barker - to determine their opponents in the main event tag team match. HBK picked "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters, and Triple H chose Randy Orton.

Which, I believe was a great combination. WWE RAW should input random superstars in the main event from time-to-time. It gives it a bit of spontaneity.

Randy Orton may be one of the most gifted wrestlers of all time, next to Chris Jericho, but he doesn't have a submission move. How does Orton expect to make Cena say "I Quit" if he does not have a submission move?

Orton and Masters had great chemistry in the ring - recalling the days of Rated-RKO, when Orton teamed with Edge, or when GM William Regal forced Orton and Cena to team up. Orton may not be remembered as a tag team player, but he is very much so a tag team specialist.

HBK and Triple H showed Legacy what submissions they are capable of - a Figure-Four and a Sharp Shooter. But let's not forget that HBK has also implemented the Sharp Shooter and has the Cross-face.

So, D-Generation X have an arsenal of submission moves at their disposal. What does Legacy have?

Rhodes and DiBiase ambushed DX, yet again, at the end of their match - with the action taking place outside of the arena. Of course, this is a ploy to hype up their Submission counts anywhere match. But seeing as Orton taught them everything they know... they are in dire need of submission moves.

The only thing Rhodes and DiBiase can do is pull a page from their fathers' submission maneuvers - the Figure-Four Leg Lock.

Beth Phoenix Dominates 15-Diva Battle Royal; Rey Mysterio leaves SummerSlam Hometown Hero

SummerSlam proved to be a memorable night and saw the return of two sure-fire Hall of Famers.

Now, WWE usually pumps up the audience with a dark match – a.k.a. a bonus, untelevised match not featured on the card.

The WWE were conflicted with two options – either has The Miz fight Kofi Kingston or have a 15-Diva Battle Royal.

Seeing as Kofi was slated to participate in the WWE Universe Live Chat hosted by Corey Clayton – The Divas had the chance to show the Staples Center what they were made of.

The Royal was not for any prize or recognition – just a showcase of strength.

There were no friends in this Royal as former friends grappled and forced one another out of the ring. But Beth Phoenix proved to be the strongest as she clotheslined two Divas – but Natalya, daughter of Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, also clotheslined two Divas, one of them being Beth Phoenix.

But in the end, it was Phoenix who prevailed – thanks to the help of special guest referee Chavo Guerrero.

Chavo seemed pretty pleased with his handiwork, until the Divas united to hold him down so that Hornswoggle could perform the Tadpole Splash.

Oh, Chavo… What is WWE doing to the Guerrero name?

The opening match was for the Intercontinental Championship. Dolph Ziggler entered the arena hoping to capture his first title, but dodging the 619 was not enough. Rey Mysterio entered his hometown clad in the Los Angeles colors, executed a top rope hurricanrana, and then finished it off with a second 619 that connected – giving Rey Mysterio the win and still the Intercontinental Champion.

Dolph Ziggler is no doubt meant for future glory in the WWE, but after failing to capture the gold twice, it’s best to let someone else strive for the gold for a while and continue to build up Ziggler with more wins.

How, How, How... did ZZ Top do on Monday Night RAW?

After Orton issued a handicapped Tag Team match of Legacy versus John Cena and Triple H - the WWE Universe were introduced to ZZ Top, Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons.

Huge fans of the WWE, they once recorded an entrance theme for Nicholas "Wild Thing" Bauer - at Stone Cold Steve Austin's request; they are the first ever co-hosts of Monday Night RAW and were ecstatic to be running the show tonight.

Santino Marella arrived on the scene calling them "Zzzzzzz Top!" and switching their first names - Dusty Gibbons and Billy Hill; but still claiming to be a huge fan of theirs. In honor of his "devotion," Hill fitted Santino with an honorary chest-length, ZZ Top signature, beard, and a pair of "Cheap Sunglasses" to complete the trio for tonight. Santino looked more like a Muppet from Sesame Street - with an oversized beard and shades - quite comedic.

It was also nice of ZZ Top to let Santino play - even if it was air guitar... with an actual guitar.

After the Big Show proved his dominance in the after match of the six man tag team match - ZZ Top plugged in their summer tour with Aerosmith - how did we not see that one coming...

When ZZ Top almost proved to be completely worthless, Jericho showed up to meet the icons of Rock n' Roll and requested a jamming session - seeing as he is the lead singer of his rock band, Fozzy.

Hill and Gibbons had no idea who Fozzy were, but they did know that they wanted Chris Jericho to face off against "The World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry. And when asked "How?" The Trio started playing "La Grange" in response to Jericho's "How, how, how."

If one match were not enough to prove their status as hosts - ZZ Top outsmarted Chavo Guerrero into accepting another match against Hornswoggle in a "Sharp Dressed Man" match - how interesting that the match also so happens to be the title to one of their smash hits! Do we see a pattern forming here?

And lets not forget their other hit single, "Legs" featuring the Divas of Monday Night RAW: Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, Gail Kim, Rosa Mendes, and Santino? The music was all a blair until Santino showed off his legs, in which the music cut - That's when ZZ Top decided to cut out. As a farewell to the whole ZZ Top gimmick - the Divas then contested in a ZZ Top "Legs" tag team match.

And it would not be complete without ZZ Top riding into the arena in, non other than, the red 1933 Ford 3-window coupe hot rod "The Eliminator."

I will go on to say that ZZ Top really had no business hosting Monday Night RAW, just like Seth Green, it's all a gimmick to plug their own projects. At least Seth made matches throughout the night - ZZ Top made two matches and played music the whole time. If it were not for Santino Marella jamming alongside them in a ZZ Top makeover - the whole ZZ Top angle would have been a total flop.

Note: Next Monday's Host will be - Shaquille O'Neal!